Saturday, September 25, 2010

Deogratias Niyizonkiza

This afternoon I listened to an elegant, unassuming Burundian with a rich, deeply complex narrative. He is an individual who has faced massacre, impending murder, constant fear, utter loneliness-and has emerged having wrestled with these demons and overcome. I have an immense respect for this man, Mr. Deogratias Niyizonkiza, whose genuine connection to the spirit of the Matthew A. Carter memorial lecture has taught me the fundamental importance of love, the immense power of focused, wise, and strong compassion, and the fundamental sameness of humanity.

“I never thought that I was poor, because I had parents who taught me that though we (the children) have no food, we have our parents. And they love us.” This statement’s power comes from the simple portrayal of the human need for others’ love. I deeply resonated with this bare truth, because it reminds me of what I hold to be most dear: my mother, my father, and my brother. Love from family and from precious friends is and should be the motivating force behind the efforts to achieve my personal best. The glittering trophies of accomplishment and prestige have an almost irresistible allure, yet they cannot and will not be enough to sustain a lifelong passion. Rivalry, though potent, will ultimately burn out. Love, even of the fallible human sort, seems to be the only thing holding our lives and dreams together.

I believe Deo embodies compassion honed by wisdom, focus, and strength. He is not a hopeless idealist who believes in a one-man crusade. He demonstrates the value of using what gifts we have at our disposal-what relationships, connections, and degrees-towards a uniquely personal passion. While I have to agree with his offhand assessment of him having “jumped the gun” by prematurely departing midway through his medical studies, I deeply admire the powerful desire and genuine concern he showed for his fellow countrymen and women. He inspires me to achieve excellence-to be passionate about achieving what some idealists may deem “unnecessary” credentials-for the sake of leveraging all our blessings for the sake of others.

Finally, he reminded me of a very critical point: that we are all thoroughly human. We are to wallow in that shared experience, to drink it in so fully that no air of arrogance, of presumption, or of self-pride can poison our souls. We did not, and could not, have chosen to be born in a certain nation, at a certain time, to a specific set of parents. Our shared humanity and undeserved blessings instead bring the rich joy and glorious responsibility to bring blessings to others. Thank you, Deo, for showing me what it means to bring healing to those who have lost everything-the emaciated man dying on the dirt floor of a hut, or the child abandoned in the jungle-and, more importantly, for showing me the power of love to restore hope.

*Mr. Deogratias Niyizonkiza was the speaker for the Matthew A. Carter memorial lecture, who after being homeless in NYC as a refugee eventually attended Columbia University, the Harvard School for Public Health, and Dartmouth Medical School. He now is the founder of Village Health Works, a holistic clinic and medical care center in Kigutu, Burundi.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Med school reflections #1

It seems that medical school naturally draws out the sinful tendencies of selfishness. I didn' t quite realize it until recently, but it really promotes the idea that I need to get things done, that I need to make sure I know my stuff, and-at the end of the day-it is my responsibility if I know the material (for the test, or, eventually, for the patient) and are able to manipulate it correctly and in a life-saving manner.
Yet sometimes it does get to be a bit much.
Medical school as an experience has already placed tremendous pressure on my friendships, my relationships with others-even among my newfound friends I find it difficult to make myself available to them in a way that facilitates true bonding-because I'm afraid that I will get behind on my study schedule and lose precious time for-what else?-studying.
Additionally, I realize how my mind is so geared towards absorbing large quantities of information that I don't really question what I'm learning. I just absorb and absorb, I imbibe huge quantities of raw data, sift it to the essential data, and then chew on my streamlined version over and over again. Yet it takes so much out of me! On top of that, I have to integrate the spatial memorization of the human anatomy, with all its strange connection of term memorization and visual identification, with innervations, vasculature, and function thrown into the mix! AND ON TOP OF THAT, Histology with all its lists, its horrendously detailed and complex questions that require you to compartmentalize your mind into the rooms of Bone/Cartilage, Skin, Muscle, and the Immune System.
When do I have time to ask questions?
Why do I feel that my already non-inquisitive mind is being further pounded into submission by this torrent of information?

Why do I fear that I am losing sight of others when I place my studies first?

It's a difficult feeling to have-of guilt, of longing to know someone else-and you simply don't know what others are thinking. It's maddening, in fact, to always be guessing at others' motives, to place up that mask of confidence when underneath you tremble and wince, writhe and rage.
Yet is this all part of human passion? Isn't this part of what we discussed in small group yesterday-that fundamentally men are driven by how others perceive them? Yet how much grace we receive when we can voluntarily give that up? It sounds so easy, right? "BE independent! Don't care about what other people think-just be yourself!"
what empty words! How can one be independent from the world when he is merely cutting himself off-but never truly being able to divorce himself because he lives, breathes, and exists in this inescapable reality?

But we have the transcendental reality of God-more specifically, of Christ. We have the confidence and hope in His promise, in the Word of God, in his Holy Spirit who dwells in our hearts. Who has known the mind of the LORD, or instructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten Him, and who taught Him the right way? Who was it that taught Him knowledge, or showed Him the path of understanding? (Isaiah 40:13-14)

In small group yesterday we did the Lectio Divina method of reflection on Isaiah 40, and it was deeply rich and insightful for each of us. I believe that God used it to speak clearly into my heart for the agony I would suffer this upcoming few days. Faced with the prospect of such mounds of academic and scientific information, along with the due stress that such impending doom has on my relationships with others-God speaks into my heart: trust not in your own wisdom, nor in the counsel of any other fallible human being. Know that I am the LORD, the everlasting God! I am the source of all wisdom, of all knowledge-give glory and thanks to me while you study, and live with the mind of Christ. 1 Corinthians 2:6-16; esp. verse 16, which references Isaiah! How awesome is that!
"For who has known the mind of the Lord
that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.

May I dwell with the mind of Christ firmly in my possession, and not allow stray thoughts to haunt and dog me-and may His wisdom be given to me.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I met a stiff today

In the morning, I was greeted by this passage from 2 Corinthians 5:1-5
1Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, 3because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I thought it peculiar that God would choose to speak this into my heart-that I was going to see an earthly tent, yet I was to fix my eyes on the eternal house in heaven. I was going to understand what it really means when Paul says the body is an earthly tent. I don't think I ever gave serious thought to death, to what a living human being looks after the breath of life has left him. I always thought it would be rather bothersome, yet still an occasion for rejoicing, because I know I will be going to my Lord.

So I saw, I touched, and I laid bare (literally) a dead body for the first time.
Call it a cadaver, a "donor," my "greatest teacher," but that was a human body.

It was...disconcerting. Especially at first, as we raised up the electric blue body bag. It was a very clear sense of-woah, this is real. I'm really going to cut open a body. And this body does not smell very nice.

The first incision was together, with further dissection rotating through each of the members. I must admit that although this is supposed to be a defining moment for many doctors, for me it became more of an intellectual challenge-how can I fit those pretty charts, those nicely drawn muscles with this stiff laying before me, with all its imperfections, its yellow gobs of fat, its not-well-defined musculature?
And worse, how can I cut this man up without hacking the critical pieces to bits?
I looked at this as an ultimate challenge-to fit together a conceptual understanding of the human body with the reality in all its formaldehyde-laced glory.

And so I realize that this body was, indeed, a last gift by this anonymous donor. I am tremendously grateful for the incredible chance to learn from him, yet I can now also better appreciate the temporal nature of the body. So often people worry about their appearance, about their physical attractiveness-yet what does all that working out and starvation diet achieve when our bodies are merely tents? I look forward to that divine building-to be clothed with a dwelling that will never perish, one that is free of all the imperfections and vices of the human body.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

first day - calm before the storm

I don't think I've ever felt so nervous about starting a first day...probably middle school was the worst. Coming from a private school, no sense of public-school-chic, overweight, bifocal glasses-I kinda deserved the weird glances and cold shoulders.

Yet here I am, recently 22, ready to embark on a new journey-the journey of a lifetime. This next 4 years, I'm told, will be when I get into the thick of my profession, where I will work my way towards the calling that God has placed in my life.

I'm quite nervous. anxious. Will I be able to thrive? Can I handle the discipline? Has it all come to this-for me to fail?
Will I be able to fit into this world of cliques and high-powered people?

Will I find this fulfilling?

I do hope so. I hope that God will give me the strength, the joy, the peace, the self-discipline adequate for this next stage. I pray that He will grant me his wonderful grace to extend towards my classmates, His power in being His witness, and Christ's perseverance to finish well!

It's 11:11. And by the awesome coincidence (or intentional blessing) I am currently enjoying the tail end of a song from Urbana 06: I have a calling.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

med school

Three days into orientation, and I've undergone three stages: first, shock-and-awe. second, slow confusion. third, confidence and assurance.

Shock-and-awe

When I first walked into BCM to the Rayzor Lounge, throngs of students were all milling around-and I didn't know any of them. It was the first day at Rice all over again, except now I was no longer surrounded by new high school grads, lives still relatively unscarred, fresh minds and lives ready to embrace whatever came their way. I realized-I am surrounded by leaders, by mental brilliance, by beings filled and molded by amazing experiences. I am now trying to connect to people whose lives are already occupied with close relationships, and it's really, really hard.
I don't think I got through the first two days without just sitting down, strolling around, or staring into space alone for a long time (about 10 minutes or so max). So THIS is what they call networking!

Slow confusion

And I was completely, utterly confused.
What's the point of knowing name, face, origin...if you're just doing so for future reference? what's the point of knowing common ground...when the reason is just to meet up once or twice just to satiate our need for social interaction? When did relationships become so shallow, with no potential for REAL growth?
We're just all pawns in each others' webs, just acquaintances bound by the same school, and now by the same "experiences." Yet how fragile is that foundation! I feel as if I am literally building on sand. I am constructing shoddy sand castles that melt upon a mere touch.
Yet God blessed me with a fellow brother. Throughout the orientation, I was trying really hard to connect with a Danny who Philip had recommended to me, but he seemed to elude me every. single. time.
I was praying so hard for God to give me some relief, to allow me a conversation that penetrated beneath all that superficiality, a meeting of souls. And He was faithful! On the bus ride back to BCM no less I met a Ben with whom I had the most encouraging and heartfelt conversation. It refreshed me, strengthened me, encouraged me! Surely God is a great God who answers the prayer of His children!
Yet I remained confused. What am I to do in this environment? The world said-conform! Yet of course, God firmly spoke-don't. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind! (Romans 12:2) I struggled with this, especially because in my PRN (orientation) group there was a certain individual who was trying to establish himself as the leader, positioning himself as the one who made decisions for others, who was the 'benefactor'. Of course this disgusted me, especially due to his unwillingness to shoulder the burdens that he thought 'beneath' him, and instead forcing his views upon others. This made things infinitely harder for me to connect with others in the group, because he kept drawing attention to himself! Yet God showed me in that state of confusion that He is sovereign, and spoke to me in this verse in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Be on your guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. Do EVERYTHING IN LOVE.

Confidence and Assurance

So I persevered. And I was able to meet and connect with everyone in our group. How? I begged God for the grace to sustain me, for the grace to shatter my proud heart to serve others. God spoke these words to my heart-to be a man of God. To stand strongly, to sacrifice myself for His glory, and-MOST importantly-to do everything out of an intense, burning passion and love for Christ. Not for my own well-being, so that I'll be better positioned later, or so I'll be a 'better person.' No, there are greater things at stake here! And, of course, a much greater purpose. May God be praised-I am here, called by Christ Himself. May His name receive all glory and honor-I have been entrusted with much, and I will prove faithful in Christ. May His peace ever pervade my soul-I am secure in Him.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Taipei farewell

For the first time in a while, I savored (or, more accurately, contemplated) the sights of Taipei-in particular, the sky. I couldn't help but think that during these six weeks (approx) I've only really taken the time to step back, hold my breath, and just let my mind feel with my heart. No objective, no background planning on what to do next-just allowing my entire being resonate with this place, this particular time.

Towers of glass and steel, the multitude of lights of all shapes and sizes, signs and images, advertisements and the incessant reminder of time-this is the city.

Yet what makes the city beautiful?

After coming back from a German-themed lunch, catching the last song in a free concert for up-and-coming artist [something] Chou, and then fielding questions and bravely enduring the smothering love of my dear Little Aunt and Uncle...I was rushing, rushing from the Ximen MRT station to the 307 bus stop-and then, I heard it.

My ears caught the plaintive, heartlifting melody of the erhu. My mind abruptly halted the planning and goalsetting and cataloguing all the things that had happened the past 24 hours-just to listen.

The city is where human expression finds its audience most readily. The city is where one can become jaded to the masses of immortal beings that stream past us on a daily basis, yet it provides the outlet for that one soul to pour out its longings and thoughts and be appreciated by those who stop and listen. This city has shown me the preciousness, the beauty, and the inevitable limitations of humanness.



Family-I now know the lives of my cousins and aunts/uncles on an intimate level. I know the lives of my friends when they are most vulnerable (or most powerful, as the case may be)-when they are at home. I have touched the souls of my kin, and have for the first time felt the cold fear of eternal separation grip my heart. My prayers as a kid always were systematic: from oldest aunt to youngest cousin, every day we'd give up halfhearted, innocently feeble prayers for their lives. Yet now I see the horrific damage of a lack of prayer warriors. I feel their blindness, yet am helpless to undo what years of aimless wandering and toxic lukewarm faith have done to their view of Christ. Oh, may God have mercy on my family!



Faith-My heart has been strengthened by so many beautiful demonstrations of God's grace in my life, so many spiritual lessons to prepare my heart for medical school. God demonstrates most by using His body, and I've been tremendously blessed to meet three wonderful brothers and sisters during my time in Asia who have spoken life into my soul. (by divine providence, they're all med students!) Climbing a mountain behind zhen da in Taipei with two of my cousins gave me renewed praise in my heart for God's creation-we saw so many butterflies, spiders, cicadas...the mountains were teeming with life!

Myself-I can now more deeply appreciate the fullness of my blessings. Surely God has been good to me, in more ways than I could ever hope for or imagine! Only after I have left home do I appreciate the person God has molded me to become-and have confidence that He will bring His work in me to completion according to His plan. I realized for the first time what it means for my heart to leap, to ache, to be given away. It's a scary experience, and one that I'm still grappling with even now.

-->update

I just came back from surfing. man, that was a spectacular, mindblowing experience! Yet much, much harder than the hype. riding the waves-yet the key is this: to not grasp the board or to try and control your "balance," but rather to feel the waves, to literally go with the flow (of course with the correct form, plastered on the board). now I know why surfers are so chill!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Romans 8

Today, I watched Love Actually (censored, without that explicit story) and Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.
As I watched the first movie, I was struck by the nature of the relationships-a glance, a touch, a look-and it's over. It's love at first/second/third sight. Yet the underlying premise, the basis, is physical attraction. THAT is what constitutes that "fall in love" part (actually, it is nearly the whole), and the only story that showed a woman sacrificing that physical intimacy for her mentally unstable brother is portrayed as a noble, but infinitely sad and dismal existence compared to the exuberant happiness when that fleeting desire is consummated-and, what is more, celebrated!
And I was confused. In part because I now have a partial understanding of what love is, I could not help but scoff at the notion that relationships are based on such flimsy footing (and roll my eyes when surprise, surprise! they fall apart just as readily).
I brought up this feeling in casual conversation with Jasper, and his reply was-"what do you expect?" What DID I expect?
Did I expect that the world would know anything else but a sweet story of confused individuals mistaking coincidence and lustful glances for lifelong companionship? Did I expect that two friends (in the movie) would realize their deep bond (love?) for one another and feel fulfilled by getting wasted and watching X-rated films together and consider that an 'ultimate' bond of affection?
And I was reminded of the depth of Christ's love, the breadth of true love.
I've been going through Romans, and Romans 8 particularly took my breath away.
First, justification. How did God justify us, how did He deal with the formidable spectre of the law, and the sin that chains us to the hopelessness of condemnation? vs. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the sinful nature, GOD DID by sending His own Son in the likeness of humanity to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in human flesh...
So that was the price. And Paul goes on to paint a beautiful picture of our struggle against the flesh, against the sinful mind and its sinful desires that coexist with the Spirit within us-but we indeed have victory, for we are the children of God through the Holy Spirit we received!
Such suffering! Although we are justified according to the law, though we are adopted into God's family, though we have the Spirit of God-I still suffer so much from the weakness of indulging in my sinful nature. Surely that is where insecurity prowls, in the hearts of those that are controlled by their sinful desires! When I feel so alone, such longing that fills my heart to have fulfillment-and when I am seduced by the thought of going against what I know is the right attitude and approach to be wildly impractical and "romantic"-I am seduced by my sinful nature. Truly verse 6 speaks-The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

Yet this struggle is not the end-oh, praise GOD that this struggle is not the entirety of a poor Christian's existence! NO, there is glory. There is hope. There are all of the intangible but wonderful, glorious gifts that God bestows upon His people!
vs. 18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
vs. 24-25 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Most of all, we have the promise and the love of God.
We have this awesome promise in Romans 8:28 (one of my life verses) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.

But, more overwhelmingly, we have the love. of. Christ.
We have this divine, unchanging, true love. vs. 35a Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Here I ask, who? Who? Is there any person who can tear us away from Christ's love? Is there any man or woman alive who can claim that they stole Christ's love away from a soul? I'm sure there are those that claim they have, and perhaps they have ensnared some temporarily-but I am continuously reminded that even when we humans are unfaithful, GOD IS FAITHFUL, for He CANNOT DENY HIMSELF. He faithfully loves even when we reject Him for other lovers, and even when we come back beaten, bruised, broken. No soul can ever separate us from the love of Christ. That is...glorious. absolutely glorious.
vs. 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
vs. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor ANYTHING ELSE IN ALL CREATION will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Divine love is so absolutely glorious. I cannot find any other adjective in my (rapidly diminishing) English arsenal to describe it, for glory to me captures the highest possible state that God could ever bestow upon His people. Imagine, to be in the presence of the glory of God!
Yet as I ponder divine love, its indestructible nature, its undying connection-I realize in my heart that there is a divine purpose intimately intertwined with this divine love. I realize that Christ's love, yes, it is a beautiful and wonderful promise that is secured for me, for Christians-but it is also a fact for the world. Previously I had been girding myself to go into medical school and to pour myself into becoming the best at my calling (medicine)-but with the view that my classmates are (friendly) rivals, the view that my classmates are ones who I must keep at a distance in order to succeed in my goal.
Yet in light of this divine love, Christ speaks gently but firmly: Dennis, what is my purpose for you? In the words of another medical student friend who I met recently (paraphrased) Christ/Christianity gives me a clear and wonderful purpose that gets me up in the morning every day. Without that I'm not sure I CAN get up!

At the time I wanted to test and ask-so what purpose is that, specifically? Yet I myself had no clear answer other than a vague assent towards 'glorifying God.'
Divine love means that I live for the purpose of connecting lost and lonely souls with the embodiment of that perfect, holy love. Yes, I am to work towards becoming the best at my calling, but more importantly I must approach it with the overriding desire to see my classmates know and experience divine love.
While my inexperience with love has caused my heart to go in all sorts of directions, in Christ's love I find the shelter and security that I need. My heart is still, my soul calm-for my desires have been laid at the feet of a God who loves me with an invincible love.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

A bit of home

Yesterday I took the high-speed rail down to Tainan to visit one of my best friends. I came in with expectations to do what I do best: eat. My aunt had taken great pains to let me know just how good the food is in Tainan, how she wanted to retire there when she got old enough, etcetc.
However, I was looking forward to finally being with a fellow brother and good friend for some time! No worries about tiptoeing around topics of conversation, no "filters" to put up, just some plain old fashioned hanging out. And so we did a mixture of the two-eat, hang out. And I thoroughly enjoyed the ease with which I can live-even as a guest in a family that is not quite typical. I was so relieved to wake up without any alarms this morning (after a night of rather vivid dreams), to spend time lounging around, talking to our dear friend Philip via Skype for...2 hours, singing/playing worship songs, sharing thoughts and reflections, and leisurely doing some household chores (aka moving in and setting up a big-screen TV). It was a refreshing return to the responsibilities and activities of normal everyday life. I do understand the irony that I would trade the absolute leisure and concerns of a vacation for the burdens of daily life, but it was rather refreshing.
Then a very nice dinner at a five star hotel, and watching a World Cup match to round off the day. I couldn't have felt more comfortable, and in entering a house where bible verses are hung on the wall, wooden crosses lounge in the corners, and a bible lies prominently on the living room table-my heart is filled with joy and peace.
I am reminded of John Stott's prayer: In a world that is hungry, I thank God for good food. In a world that is lonely, I thank God for good friends. In a world that is growing ever darker, I thank God for the light of Christ.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Loneliness Sickness

I had an amazing tour of Singapore today-culinarily exquisite, the food cannot be beaten on three counts: 1)quality 2)availability 3)price. I have had so many different tastes today my tongue can't clearly distinguish taste as easily...what a taste-bud-workout! We were able to look at so many different places, it seemed as if we had completely covered the island city nation in just one day! From the touristy island Sentosa with the cheesy and overplayed Merlion exhibit (I almost went as far as to accuse it of idolatry) with the imitation "Under the Sea" lyrics...I shouldn't bash it so much, but come to think of it the statue and "myths" were rather disturbing at best. At least we got a free fan out of it-a very useful tool for the rest of the day :)
Then we went to the southernmost tip of continental Asia, beautifully built with two platforms, connected by a very islandy bridge made of hemp and chains. Ingenious design to make you feel as if you're in a tropical paradise with all the conveniences and security of modern design and materials. Ingenious. So careful with their planning. At the top was a breathtaking view of a (blue!) sky, could see green Indonesia and an expanse of azure waters, with a cool breeze and shaded view. Awesome experience.
Then we went to go shopping at a lot of malls and department stores, where I found a very good fitting (and good looking) dress shirt, and realized that I had been ripped off in Shanghai for 3 dress shirts. I wince at the thought-that the reason it can't be sold easily is because of the SLEEVE LENGTHS that I didn't check, that I didn't try on...I was utterly scammed by that lady. I need to check for sure once I go back, but I don't have high hopes.
Throughout the entire time we ate/snacked/talked our way around. Amiable companionship sprinkled with meaningful conversation and spiritual brotherhood make for a very volatile and endearing mix. Add delicious, abundant, cheap food into the mix and you've got dynamite.
We then went to JX's uncle's house, where they had a family gathering/dinner to celebrate father's day (oops). I do hope my father doesn't mind that I didn't do anything this year. Delicious home-cooked food, so much better than I could ever get anywhere in Singapore. Good time of listening and learning from the older, wiser generation and learning a lot of life lessons:
1) find your passion
2) business is about serving people, making life better for them-not $
3) business and success are not meant to be the primary priorities in life
4) our current comfort is at the expense of our fathers' and grandfathers' consumption of bitterness and hardship

Went on a tour of the Esplanade, saw the skyline...and toured the nightlife of the city. My friend reminded me as I was just acting the spectator of the brokenness Jesus feels for these aimless sheep, seeking pleasures and fulfillment that the world promises, yet leaving more empty and lonely than ever.

And thus comes to the part about loneliness.
Loneliness...is such a symptom not only of Singapore (materialistic and artificial as it may seem), nor solely of urban centers, nor even in the insulated environments of college campuses. Loneliness pervades our souls, my soul-because the human heart seeks, longs, craves satisfaction through relationship. Whether to nature, to a divine being, to a member of the opposite sex, to friends, to family-we want to connect with and find fulfillment in the fact that we are not the sole living, feeling, thinking being on a wasteland of desolation and lifelessness.
I awoke with a feeling of emptiness, as if my heart were in another place. How strange and wondrous a feeling is human love! Yet I knew that the way of the world-to wallow in this emotion, to prize it above everything else that may be going on around you (so that you're seen as the romantic whose obsessive inability to connect with reality because of another is somehow construed as attractive). This way is wrong, because as a Christian my fulfillment is given by God and God alone. It is found in God alone. And thus I had to come to God to fill that void in my heart, that vacant, glazed look in my eyes.
Psalm 3:5
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

And God does sustain-he provides the spiritual food, the nourishing richness of His Word to abide in me, to let me encourage others despite my...condition. Truly He satisfies like none other, and in His presence I am content.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

bono on easter

I recently stumbled across this article that Bono wrote on Easter Sunday (or around that time) last year. It's pretty liberal, yet I can hear and feel his heart beating through this article. (what a weird image) I especially love the part where he realizes (makes real) those oft-thrown phrases of offering and charity into investment and justice. Increasingly I find that the world has placed such an ethereal tint on religious terms that they are separated from what "real" adults do in the "real" secular world. advertisements are fine, since they extol the "secular" virtues of products and services for a better life, but religiously themed messages are abominable, intrusive-even though they bring the moral ideas and precepts that address the soul.

(I don't know if it's against copyright to do so, but I'll give full credit to the author):
The New York Times
April 18, 2009
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 and a co-founder of the advocacy group ONE, is a contributing columnist for The Times.

It’s 2009. Do You Know Where Your Soul Is?
..........................................
I AM in Midtown Manhattan, where drivers still play their car horns as if they were musical instruments and shouting in restaurants is sport.

I am a long way from the warm breeze of voices I heard a week ago on Easter Sunday.

“Glorify your name,” the island women sang, as they swayed in a cut sandstone church. I was overwhelmed by a riot of color, an emotional swell that carried me to sea.

Christianity, it turns out, has a rhythm — and it crescendos this time of year. The rumba of Carnival gives way to the slow march of Lent, then to the staccato hymnals of the Easter parade. From revelry to reverie. After 40 days in the desert, sort of ...

Carnival — rock stars are good at that.

“Carne” is flesh; “Carne-val,” its goodbye party. I’ve been to many. Brazilians say they’ve done it longest; they certainly do it best. You can’t help but contract the fever. You’ve got no choice but to join the ravers as they swell up the streets bursting like the banks of a river in a flood of fun set to rhythm. This is a Joy that cannot be conjured. This is life force. This is the heart full and spilling over with gratitude. The choice is yours ...

It’s Lent I’ve always had issues with. I gave it up ... self-denial is where I come a cropper. My idea of discipline is simple — hard work — but of course that’s another indulgence.

Then comes the dying and the living that is Easter.

It’s a transcendent moment for me — a rebirth I always seem to need. Never more so than a few years ago, when my father died. I recall the embarrassment and relief of hot tears as I knelt in a chapel in a village in France and repented my prodigal nature — repented for fighting my father for so many years and wasting so many opportunities to know him better. I remember the feeling of “a peace that passes understanding” as a load lifted. Of all the Christian festivals, it is the Easter parade that demands the most faith — pushing you past reverence for creation, through bewilderment at the idea of a virgin birth, and into the far-fetched and far-reaching idea that death is not the end. The cross as crossroads. Whatever your religious or nonreligious views, the chance to begin again is a compelling idea.



Last Sunday, the choirmaster was jumping out of his skin ... stormy then still, playful then tender, on the most upright of pianos and melodies. He sang his invocations in a beautiful oaken tenor with a freckle-faced boy at his side playing conga and tambourine as if it was a full drum kit. The parish sang to the rafters songs of praise to a God that apparently surrendered His voice to ours.

I come to lowly church halls and lofty cathedrals for what purpose? I search the Scriptures to what end? To check my head? My heart? No, my soul. For me these meditations are like a plumb line dropped by a master builder — to see if the walls are straight or crooked. I check my emotional life with music, my intellectual life with writing, but religion is where I soul-search.

The preacher said, “What good does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?” Hearing this, every one of the pilgrims gathered in the room asked, “Is it me, Lord?” In America, in Europe, people are asking, “Is it us?”

Well, yes. It is us.

Carnival is over. Commerce has been overheating markets and climates ... the sooty skies of the industrial revolution have changed scale and location, but now melt ice caps and make the seas boil in the time of technological revolution. Capitalism is on trial; globalization is, once again, in the dock. We used to say that all we wanted for the rest of the world was what we had for ourselves. Then we found out that if every living soul on the planet had a fridge and a house and an S.U.V., we would choke on our own exhaust.

Lent is upon us whether we asked for it or not. And with it, we hope, comes a chance at redemption. But redemption is not just a spiritual term, it’s an economic concept. At the turn of the millennium, the debt cancellation campaign, inspired by the Jewish concept of Jubilee, aimed to give the poorest countries a fresh start. Thirty-four million more children in Africa are now in school in large part because their governments used money freed up by debt relief. This redemption was not an end to economic slavery, but it was a more hopeful beginning for many. And to the many, not the lucky few, is surely where any soul-searching must lead us.

A few weeks ago I was in Washington when news arrived of proposed cuts to the president’s aid budget. People said that it was going to be hard to fulfill promises to those who live in dire circumstances such a long way away when there is so much hardship in the United States. And there is.

But I read recently that Americans are taking up public service in greater numbers because they are short on money to give. And, following a successful bipartisan Senate vote, word is that Congress will restore the money that had been cut from the aid budget — a refusal to abandon those who would pay such a high price for a crisis not of their making. In the roughest of times, people show who they are.

Your soul.

So much of the discussion today is about value, not values. Aid well spent can be an example of both, values and value for money. Providing AIDS medication to just under four million people, putting in place modest measures to improve maternal health, eradicating killer pests like malaria and rotoviruses — all these provide a leg up on the climb to self-sufficiency, all these can help us make friends in a world quick to enmity. It’s not alms, it’s investment. It’s not charity, it’s justice.



Strangely, as we file out of the small stone church into the cruel sun, I think of Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, whose now combined fortune is dedicated to the fight against extreme poverty. Agnostics both, I believe. I think of Nelson Mandela, who has spent his life upholding the rights of others. A spiritual man — no doubt. Religious? I’m told he would not describe himself that way.

Not all soul music comes from the church.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

to be loved

I came home for Midterm recess.
And it was a joyous occasion.
I cooked for my parents, I was the God-given son that honored my father and mother. I spoke with them freely about my life; I did not hold anything back from them.
I experienced the beautiful outpouring of friendship, of love from dear freshmen, of encouragement from a close friend.
Yet, yet...I think the most significant lesson that I learned this weekend was this:
I need to love God, to desire Him, ever more. Especially now.
These past few weeks have been ones of intense and wrenching struggles with God-a wrestling match, if you will-I struggled with my desire for freedom, I struggled with my desire for relationship, I struggled with my own spiritual dryness. In the end, I would find myself before God just asking Him, "Why do I not trust you with all my life and heart and soul? Why do I keep on thinking that other things satisfy the deepest longings of my heart?"
I went to a Good Friday service that was saccharine, all hope but no despair, all joy and no sorrow, all blessing and no suffering. What is the resurrection of Christ without his crucifixion? What good is it to dance in God's presence without first kneeling in brokenness before the Cross? Satan goads me to believe the lie that I cannot ever be fully satisfied in my God; that I will ever be seeking other things to fill that void in my life. Even as I encourage others, I need that desire for Him; I need to destroy that unbelief that sets itself up defiantly before Almighty God, a woefully misguided will that has become unhinged from the deep wellspring of truth.
I want to be loved and known by God. I want to know His love apart from (is that possible?) my parents, my brother, my fellowship, my church-I want to experience that love in these times when I am not with these beloved blessings in my life! I want to be so devastated by that love that I cannot help but love Him back!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Edinburg 2010

Edinburg Testimony

I just want to begin by praising God for being so faithful in this trip. He showed me the meaning of a God-instigated, God-led, and God-completed work that is not dependent on human will or plan.

I read Psalm 67, and my heart is devastated by God’s Word to me

May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine on us—

So that Your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations.

May the peoples praise You, God; may all the peoples praise You.

May the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you rule the peoples with equity and guide the nations of the earth.

May the peoples praise You, God; may all the peoples praise You.

The land yields its harvest; God, our God, blesses us.

May God bless us still, so that all the ends of the earth will fear Him.

Oh, what a wondrous and awesome work God has done in my life in this missions trip! As we were planning and planning, I did my best to use what I saw as God’s blessings in my life-my knowledge of Hispanic culture and my language skills-to prepare our team for an international missions experience in Reynosa, MX. Yet, the Friday before we would leave, disaster struck in the form of a massacre in a small town outside Reynosa. This spate of violence was enough to close the U.S. Consulate General in Reynosa, and a travel warning issued for any U.S. citizens wanting to cross the border. Needless to say, this caused much consternation among our church missions board and, after a bit of deliberation, resulted in the cancellation of the missions trip. I was the first to know, having called Pastor Fred five minutes after the meeting had been adjourned. I didn’t quite know how I would break the news to Stephanie and Akhil, the two people who were scheduled to have another language/culture-learning session that afternoon, but I tried to convey the seriousness of the situation and the clear indication that it was not safe to travel into Reynosa. Pastor Fred called an emergency team leaders meeting that afternoon, and upon arriving (late), I came upon a somber room of people with heads bowed in prayer. We reflected on our emotions; I was still in shock, while many others felt deeply hurt, disappointed, and disillusioned by the second rejection. Even though Pastor Fred brought up the prospect of a next best alternative-the reiteration of “Explore Houston”: version 2010-I was adamantly opposed to a “local” service project. Beverly mentioned McAllen, and God prompted my spirit to excitedly and enthusiastically agree that we continue pursuing the avenue of a cross-cultural missions trip. We ended on a mixed note, on one hand excited about the possibility of serving in McAllen, while we still wrestled with the reality of another dream denied.

However, by Saturday 3 out of the 4 missions agencies had denied our request. A group of 17-20 was just too much for them to handle in terms of accommodations, and on such short notice none could do so. We had one last chance-the contact of a contact with whom we had no relationship, a Mr./Pastor Garcia who spoke only Spanish. Upon this news and with the urgent reminders God had placed upon me during the missions conference, I called a prayer meeting with the Reynosa team at Susan/Ann’s house.

I remember the veiled anger and frustration, tiredness and lack of enthusiasm that I saw on those faces that night. I remember the questions-is this required? Do we have to go? I don’t want this to drag on too late…can we start earlier to end earlier?

And I was discouraged. From the bottom of my heart I was exhausted, and my faith fragile. However, God gave me the strength to pray even with my speck of faith in His promise in 1 John 5:14-15

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of him.

I openly confessed that my faith was weak-that I didn’t think anything would happen. Alex was the only optimist, saying-“I know God will be glorified in this situation.” Honestly, I reacted with the thought that his naïveté as a young Christian was understandable but most likely unrealistic. At the conclusion of the prayer meeting, we left with a “one-chance-left (and that’s not very probable)” mentality, with a sense of hopelessness and resignation.

Yet God proved Himself faithful. He was gracious, He blessed us, and man, did His face shine upon us!

On Sunday morning, I called Pastor Garcia at 8:30 AM. I hurriedly explained our situation, emphasizing that we would do “cualquier cosa que quiera” (whatever they wanted) and would like any possible opportunity that they could (possibly) give us. What desperation, no? But his response was quick and decisive-I want you to come, but I need to talk with my congregation first. Let me call you at noon, OK?

I was stunned. I expected a “we understand that you’re excited, but unfortunately…” and instead got a yellow light, pending on green. Throughout the morning I struggled with my mounting excitement, and at around 12:36 PM I received a call from the Pastor. He said, “YES! We’d love to have you. When are you planning to come in? Also, what are you planning on doing?” You cannot imagine the reactions that our team had-in short, there was much rejoicing.

We had no knowledge of this church, no knowledge of who this person was-Pastor Garcia didn’t know who we were, and had no idea what we’d be doing upon our arrival. This was truly venturing into the darkness by faith in God alone. Looking back, I really commend Pastor Fred for his faith that this was God’s will for our team-he wasn’t fettered by the possibility that this may be some sort of gimmick, some sort of trap, or some coincidence. Instead, he stepped out in faith that this was God’s plan for us.

We didn’t even know the address of the church until the early hours of Wednesday morning, when we were slated to leave. As we went, we left with joyful hearts anticipating what was going to happen. In a brief telephone meeting with the Pastor on Monday morning, we had the idea that yes, we were going to have a VBS for the children on Wed, Thurs, Friday, with a Carnival on Saturday. Yes, we were going to have a youth program. And Yes, we were going to join them for prayer meeting in Wednesday night upon our arrival.

Once we got there, it was a nondescript, tan-painted metal-boarded building in the middle of a rather shabby neighborhood. It looked clean, but rather small. We waited in the “parking lot”-a patch of rocks and dirt-for about a half hour until Brother Julio pulled up. We exchanged greetings, and he let us into the church. Upon entering the building, I was floored. They had a state-of-the-art sound system all set up, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, full drum set, and projector. This was no little rural church mired in poverty! Or was it? It was just so confusing! The building was clean, concrete floors and whitewashed walls offset by fluorescent lighting all around and silk floral arrangements all around the church. In the back were three classrooms, brightly painted and well furnished with chairs and tables. Truly this was a strange sight in the middle of such an apparently impoverished neighborhood in a border town!

Our first glance of the pastor was rather impressive-a powerfully built man with a ready laugh, warm smile and sharp mind. Upon arrival, he welcomed us and offered to take Pastor Fred for a glimpse around the city. As his interpreter, I came along for the ride. During that car ride, Pastor Garcia shared his testimony and the mission statement of the church. They were firmly rooted in the idea that even though circumstances change, the Word of God has the power to change lives and should not be adulterated. However, while the message remains the same, the forms of worship can change! He said that “among the liberals I am conservative, whereas among conservatives I am liberal!” We got to hear a snippet of his testimony, of having come to Christ at age 16, starting to preach by 18, and having done ministry for 30 years in this church, which he lovingly described as his family. When we returned, I was thoroughly convinced that God was firmly in control of this church, and that His Word was being powerfully preached.

However, at the prayer meeting, there were very few people in attendance. I counted 6-7 families, with people filling only half the pews of the church. With such a small congregation, I was not sure about what the problem was-why were there so few in this church? What was wrong? However, as the service began, we saw worship, adoration, and powerful prayers being issued by the church for broken families and parent-child relationships. The sense of grief was palpable, especially among the mothers of the church, and tears flowed readily as the prayed for their families. After the service, Julio said that we were all staying at his house for the time we were there. I was apprehensively looking forward to squeezing together tightly on the floor of some living room, and the prospect of cold communal showers with a garden hose. Yet, how God let his face shine upon us! The house was a beautiful two-story palace, where hot water ran freely and we enjoyed a state-of-the-art kitchen, comfortable lodging, and awesome living space. It was truly a huge blessing from God, and affirmation every moment I was there of His great love for us! Griselda, Julio’s wife, later shared with me another powerful testimony-that she had been praying to God on Sunday morning, asking Him “Why did you give us such a big house? It’s such a hassle to clean and take care of it-Lord, please tell me why!” And God answered her that morning when Pastor Garcia asked, “Who will accommodate this group if they come?” Her hand was the first in the air.

What else can I say? The trip was a complete testament to God’s faithfulness! On Thursday we woke up to a delicious hot breakfast of tortillas and toast, with freshly picked oranges and grapefruit given to us generously by one of the brothers of the church. We then moved into a time of meditating on God’s word personally, specifically on Psalm 51. In my prayer group, Alex and Akhil discussed their thoughts and desire for brokenness, a sentiment that I deeply share for myself and for our fellowship as a whole. I was so encouraged by Alex’s desire to learn, his hunger and excitement for spiritual growth, and his wholehearted embrace of God and dependence on Him for his life. Akhil speaks as one who knows the scripture, who knows core theology, who acknowledges God-yet it amazes me that he can be so close to the truth and yet so far! My heart broke for him, and I continued to pray that God would meet him on this missions trip, that God would overwhelm his defenses and devastate his soul.

After an absolutely delicious lunch of chicken with salsa (tomato, garlic, onion, chipotle powder, jalapenos) and fragrant Mexican rice, we went to Calvary Commission where we listened to the steadfast faith of Madeleine and helped assemble shelves and sort donations. That night we were slated to have a full worship service for the adults (P. Fred preaching), a program for the youth, and of course VBS for the kids. Preparing worship was rather grueling for me, as it is not what God has given me as a spiritual gift and calling, and pastor Fred stayed behind to prepare a sermon for that night. That night, we had about the same number of families come. But that night was when God revealed the real purpose of why He sent us down to this church at this time. Pastor Fred spoke on the parable of the prodigal son, noting in his sermon the many families that struggled with their young adult children leaving the way of God, leaving Christianity to pursue their own lives apart from God. He mentioned Julio’s daughter who had recently left home, of others who had expressed concern about their sons and daughters, and finally of his own son who was currently not following Christ. His message centered on the dual truth that parents must bring up their children in the Bible, teaching them the Truth, but also personal responsibility that the children have for their own lives. Parents love their children and desire that they don’t get hurt, but that desire can become wrongfully expressed by parents trying to control their children. What he urged parents to do was to offer their children to the One who loves them more than they could ever love, and to pray powerfully for their children without trying to do whatever it takes to force their children back to the right way. During the message, every single member was weeping. The Holy Spirit worked so powerfully that even my difficulties in translation were overcome by the hand of God in that place. When Pastor Fred invited those who wanted to offer their children to God, every family stood up. Every family had at least one child who they wanted to commit to God’s hands, and offer them back to the Father who loves them so dearly.

That night, during our time of sharing they said to Pastor Fred: “We don’t know you, and we didn’t know why God wanted you here with us, but we still welcomed you. Now we know why You have been sent to us.”

God’s blessing was tremendous during that night, and He just continued blessing the rest of our time there. We grew in love for the people despite our language differences, celebrating Julio’s birthday and laying our hands in prayer over his family. We worshiped with them, Wayne, Jeff, Derek, and Stephanie leading multicultural worship services where we got a glimpse of heavenly adoration of the LORD. We met and ministered to the youth of that church by hanging out with them late into Friday night, listening to their incredible testimonies and encouraging them in their pursuit of God. Finally, we ended with a hugely successful and God-blessed Carnival for the kids and a contemporary version of a “love-feast”-where we literally had a feast of barbecued chicken, beef fajitas, ribs, frijoles charros, barbacoa, arroz con leche, pico de gallo, and baked potatoes. The main ingredient, however, as the head chef told us-was love. Lots and lots of love.

Leaving was the most difficult part, for even though we had spent only three days with them it had felt like an eternity! They had embraced us, and we embraced them in godly love and mutual joy. With our final moments together, the pastor shared with us these words: Young people, in your life the world will offer you many things. However, know this: true success is not money, fame, or power. True success is discovering the reason You were created, and to fulfill the will of Your Creator in serving others.

As we ended, this psalm speaks to how we left, singing the Urbana song “Sean a Ti” together-

May the peoples praise You, God; may all the peoples praise You.

Our time there truly showed us that

The land yields its harvest; God, our God, blesses us.

And I can say that the cry of my heart coming out of this experience is that

May God bless us still, so that all the ends of the earth will fear Him.