I've just been thinking. And trying to understand what's going on inside this soul of mine.
First...I felt this unease. This sense of what-is-going-on-here after we finished that rather bloated cell group meeting on Friday. Why do I have this melancholy feeling, this slightly nostalgic-but-not-really sense that creeps up on my heart? I know. It's the after-effects of meiosis. I found myself saying "splitting," and then Jon told me-that sounds rather painful, like a divide rather than a joyous "multiplication." In a sense, that's really how I feel. I have poured my life into these wonderful, amazing people who have in turn shown me what happiness, struggle, and growth are in Christ Jesus. Truly, by seeing these freshmen and sophomores grow I have been tremendously blessed, because as Paul boasted about the love of Christ in the churches, I boast about the love of Christ in our cell group. Yes, OUR cell group. And now, it's going to change. All of the ones who have endeared themselves to my heart are going off into another direction, ready to conquer Rice for Christ. They are smaller, but nonetheless passionate and loving and, best and most important of all, following Christ! When Dillon and I sat down late Friday night, my heart actually trembled a bit before opening up the nicely stacked and folded sheets. Instead of opening them all myself, I had to give half to Dillon for him to open because I could not bear the burden of seeing all the choices first. Yet, before we even started-our prayers to God were that His direction and will would be done, and not ours. This has truly been an agonizing process for me before last Friday, because-truthfully-I didn't want to divide. In my heart of hearts, I saw us as one big, boisterous family who loved one another and truly cared for each other. I envisioned my own extended family all gathered in a room every week, sharing encouragements and just hanging out, with the underlying feeling that we are all connected, all related by the same blood. Our cell group was something akin to that-we all love Christ, and from that love we are so comfortable loving on one another.
God answered our prayers. With each opened ballot, I could see God automatically placing people where He wants them. He is so awesome-as the groups took form, I could see how God was using different people to strengthen and support one another in each group. I cannot express how much I was relieved that night...but then, I can now say that I will miss that big-family feel.
I am grateful to everyone in this group, people who have touched my life so profoundly and have challenged me to stand and be an example of Christ in their lives. All because I was a shepherd did not mean that I was immune to temptation and sin. However, through God's grace and the knowledge that I must be solid in my walk with Christ to be a leader, I depended all the more on my heavenly Father to give me wisdom and strength, to be my guide and King. I love these people more than anyone else...and while we look forward confidently to what God is bringing, I also will cherish these memories and relationships that God has so lavished upon me.