to be loved

I came home for Midterm recess.
And it was a joyous occasion.
I cooked for my parents, I was the God-given son that honored my father and mother. I spoke with them freely about my life; I did not hold anything back from them.
I experienced the beautiful outpouring of friendship, of love from dear freshmen, of encouragement from a close friend.
Yet, yet...I think the most significant lesson that I learned this weekend was this:
I need to love God, to desire Him, ever more. Especially now.
These past few weeks have been ones of intense and wrenching struggles with God-a wrestling match, if you will-I struggled with my desire for freedom, I struggled with my desire for relationship, I struggled with my own spiritual dryness. In the end, I would find myself before God just asking Him, "Why do I not trust you with all my life and heart and soul? Why do I keep on thinking that other things satisfy the deepest longings of my heart?"
I went to a Good Friday service that was saccharine, all hope but no despair, all joy and no sorrow, all blessing and no suffering. What is the resurrection of Christ without his crucifixion? What good is it to dance in God's presence without first kneeling in brokenness before the Cross? Satan goads me to believe the lie that I cannot ever be fully satisfied in my God; that I will ever be seeking other things to fill that void in my life. Even as I encourage others, I need that desire for Him; I need to destroy that unbelief that sets itself up defiantly before Almighty God, a woefully misguided will that has become unhinged from the deep wellspring of truth.
I want to be loved and known by God. I want to know His love apart from (is that possible?) my parents, my brother, my fellowship, my church-I want to experience that love in these times when I am not with these beloved blessings in my life! I want to be so devastated by that love that I cannot help but love Him back!