lately, life has felt so dry-devoid of love for others, filled with a panic-ridden fear that actively devours my joy.
academics have become wearisome, a point of duress. It is difficult to write what I feel because I would not like others to read the thoughts I have to pen down.
Yet here it is: I despaired. I looked back at my academic record, at my abysmal mediocrity. I wallowed in the shame and worry of rankings. I envied my friends who were at more prestigious places than I. I pored over the accounts of luminaries here, to the conclusion that they were far gone, and besides-I could never have been mentored by them!
In the pit of my despair, God reached down with His hand and brought me up. He restored me with a phone call to the people who love me best.
"Hullo [insert childhood endearment]. your father and I were just about to sleep. 要禱告嗎?"
YES. I needed prayer. More than that-I needed someone to listen. I needed stability, I needed love, that bedrock of emotion that would allow me to hurl the darkest insecurities, to articulate my most strangled thoughts-and absorb them. To embrace me, to strengthen me, to restore me.
Too long I have labored under the idea that my personal time with God is enough. Yes, I do bask in the warmth of His Spirit-but those times are rare, and I am so quickly hungering for more! It is true that He is sufficient, but I also need the gentle caress of His hands, I need His feet to come to my doorstep. I need my brothers and sisters.
And that hour with my father and mother was sweet. It was full of gruff fatherlike exhortation, tempered with (ever-unselfish) maternal grace. A word from God, spoken through His servants:
Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I was exhorted to look forward at Christ, to wrench my gaze from the ever-disappointing record of the past-and look to my glorious future! For I am not defined by my record, but by the great work of God in me.
Thanks be to God, for His gift of living water. In all my parched selfishness God gave me refreshment for my soul.
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it's been a long time (a year!), since you've written on your blog! great that your parents could pray for you. med school sounds tough, it's hard to go from being used to getting pretty good marks to being average amongst a group of very academic, motivated, competitive students. :p when will you be doing clinicals?
ReplyDeleteon fear - I've been reading Isaiah: "the Lord almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sactuary..." - have a look at Isaiah chapter 8
thanks for this update dennis! i'm glad that God has shown you again and again how sweet it is to trust in Him and to turn away from the idols in our life. i was really encouraged by what you wrote!
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