Indispensable?

Tired, exhausted, destroyed.

I feel like I am being tested from every angle, that my efforts have all been in vain.

For the small group meeting today, I basically went to the bathroom and, as I was washing my hands, was just crushed by an overwhelming sense of fatigue and sadness. Why?

I don't take rejection very well. Especially when my time is invested. It's like the first meeting that we had of Step Ahead, where we had all the tutors lined up and ready-and then nobody came.

The fact that there are people to whom I yearn to reach out, yet am constrained by commitments such as these-it makes me extremely angry and frustrated when others take it for granted. They assume that I will always be there-patient, loving, caring. Even with the devoted one and half hours, can they just ignore the sacrifice of the same amount of time spent in earnest prayer and preparation?

My human side screams foul. It denounces them with a sharp, bitter anger and smoldering resentment. How dare they take me for granted? What if I suddenly disappeared from their lives? Would it be any different?

And then, the anger becomes sadness. Have I lost my touch with God? Has He forsaken me?
How come I spend the hours before seeking His will and His direction, what He wants to reveal to His sons-and then nothing comes out? Everyone disappears without a trace, without any notification.

But I know that God is faithful. I remember 2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.

God will never stop being faithful, even when other people or myself prove faithless. When I felt the burden of failure and of perceived rejection...but as I was walking through the mao mao rain...I looked up and realized-God will take care of them.

God is faithful. He will grow these guys to be leaders, to be servants in His kingdom. and here was the key: with or without me.

I am dispensable. I am merely His vessel, His servant. I can fail in everything EXCEPT in my recognition of God's faithfulness! I must have faith with faithfulness, and be consistent in my service and walk with Him, but ultimately I trust in HIS truth, and HIS will.

Is this ministry called "Dennis's" ministry? Does it have the marks of one man's vision? NO. It has a divine, all-encompassing vision that engulfs time itself. It is divine, it demands my service. I submit myself to Him regardless of the consequences, regardless of the results. I am His saved, His sheep, His son. May I never forget this.