How great is our God

God is great.

How often I've said these words, often with a tinge of a spiritual high, a hint of thrill traveling down my spine. Hands in the air, face upturned, the full worship band harmonizing. Yet, do I really worship and give honor to the God who is the LORD of the universe? Do I truly see Him for the awesomeness that He embodies, the complete divinity of His being?

No.

No.

No.

I don't.

I don't see Him beyond my selfish view of my perceived future. I don't see Him beyond the jealousy at others. I don't see Him past the blinds of the next week, the next test, the next meeting.
I don't see Him as the awesome Creator-I don't see Him as GOD. To ponder-what is God? Have I allowed my view of God to a tiny, contained speck of His true glory?
I remember climbing a waterfall with Kenneth, Karen, and Sarah in Peru, and as we were shimmying up the rope (with no safeties) I marveled at the raw beauty and awesomeness of what we beheld. I remember climbing to the top of Waynapicchu and being arrested by the sea of mist and mountains as far as the eye could see. I remember the perfection of green and blue on the hill as we descended the valley to the thermal baths. I remember them not only because of the fuzzy feelings and warm memories; I remember them because they struck me with the awesomeness of God as Creator. On our climb up the waterfall, I remarked to Sarah, "How can people see things like this and NOT praise God? How can they say, 'what an interesting result of millennia of evolution'?"
And now, I have gradually been making God into this personal genie holding the keys to my future medical school. I've been praying, meditating, and listening-but with my eyes and ears trained on a singular goal, a wretched prize. With this, I have focused my eyes on a profession too often filled with oversized egos and overweening pride. How often have I heard the none-too-subtle arrogance with every interview from a prestigious school; how often have the polite questions about acceptances demanded answers with devouring eyes and wry smile.
Too often we try to hide our insecurities, or boast in the most surreptitious way.

In the process, I have forgotten the greatness of God.

By coming before Him with my heart set on this worthless goal, I have negated the fact that I live for God-not that God exists for me!

I was created for this awesome, mindblowing, eternal presence. I was created so that at His approach I would be like Job.

Job 42:3-6

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

⁴ "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'

⁵ My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.

⁶ Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."

I repent. I come before God again, broken, a man who lives not for his own glory, but for the glory of the one true God.

glory and joy

1 Thessalonians 1:19 For what is our hope, our joy, or the crown in which we will glory in the presence of our Lord Jesus when he comes? Is it not you?
20 Indeed you are our glory and joy.

What touches my heart is the sweet, intimate fellowship with my brothers and sisters here. now.
How beautiful it is! How wonderfully marvelous! The wholeness, the culmination of my lunches, dinners, outdoor talks at the Broch, powerful and intimate cell groups, post-cell group silliness and hilarity, devastating-yet-encouraging prayer, dear, dear disciples...

You are my glory and joy.

my cup overflows

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.

How beautiful is God's word, how wondrously marvelous His provision! When I read this, for some reason it speaks straight to my soul. The LORD is my Shepherd...who else protects me from the voracious wolves that seek to devour me alive? Who else snatches me, torn and bleeding, from the maws of the lion? Who slays my greatest enemies-anxiety and pride-only to bring me to a place of ultimate peace and comfort? the LORD. I shall not (NEVER) be in want.
He restores my soul. He restores me. OH GOD! How beautiful is this image! I have thirsted and feel as if I were dry up to this point, broken and nonfunctional until tonight, when the Spirit of God entered me and showed me where my security was. As a freshman, I remember sharing in my small group that the only concept I have ever held firmly is: God is sovereign. I distinctly recall the surprise that passed over Josh's face. And then I (being the self-conscious freshman) immediately thought-did I say something wrong? Uh oh...
Yet these past three years have given me a new appreciation for that statement. God's sovereignty. When I was but an impressionable young soul, God had already blessed me with this immense and ponderous, sweet and glorious truth about Himself.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me; Your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Recently God's been distant from me-ever since coming back from Peru, I have felt a distinct emptiness. Part of that's due to sin, part of that is due to pride, part of that is from disappointment. Whatever it was (and is), I have been begging and pleading with God to end this dry spell, this lack of soul restoration that has kept me in a constant state of stress. Even in that valley, that pit whose sides were deeply etched with desperation and longing, God was with me. He comforted me so that I would not falter in my ministry, He was the reason I could still show others His power. Yet inside I felt this crushing burden, this distance from God. It's a funny feeling-you KNOW that God is here, but you don't really know it. My mind and soul know that he's there, but my agonizing body does not. I desire Him more than anything else, my soul cries out for comfort-yet when I finish my prayers or devotional time I fall back into my own problems.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
My enemies, though they taunt and torment me, finally are vanquished. utterly. God Himself prepares the victory feast in front of their leery eyes. He honors me in their presence, He shows His sovereignty in the most powerful way.
My cup overflows.
I felt that tonight. I felt God finally preparing that table before me, anointing me,
and my cup-my life, my spirit, my soul-all overflow with the peace and love of God.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Post #2

I got a bit disgusted with blogging after recounting everything I´ve been ¨doing.¨ So instead of having a list of activities and experiences, I´ve vowed to stick to what´s meaningful to me.
So, four and a half weeks have passed since I´ve come to Perú. What used to be exciting and new has now dulled into a routine...but this new sense of normalcy comes with its own jilts of heartwrenching separations and heartwarming rewards. The clinic where I work in, el Centro de Salud en Independencia, has become a home for me. From the nurses Isabela, Rhut, and Miriam to the doctors Darwin, Luis, and...I forget her name...I´ve really been able to immerse myself in their world and become (basically) a staff member at the clinic. I´m now quite used to babies and toddlers, and (unfortunately) well-acquainted with the arcane and confusing system of medical records that the nurses have to maintain to report to the ministry of health. These are basically notebooks, regular notebooks, with about twenty columns that have to be drawn EVERY SINGLE TIME A PAGE IS TURNED. So many columns that it´s so, so easy to make a mistake and subsequently 1) lose data and 2) confuse all the rest of the columns because you´re lacking one or have an extra. However, my frustration has borne fruit-my mini-project is to create a database program to ENSURE that NO information is lost between the lines. I´ve really seen God´s hand in this, because one week ago my usual Spanish tutor Reiner (who is amazing and a huge comfort because we talk openly about spiritual things and he shares so much with me) had to go to Urubamba on urgent personal business, and I was switched to a Cuban named Alexis. While we were talking during the third lesson, I discovered that he was a specialist in Sistemas Informáticas!!!! Basically, he does databases for a living. So, we´ve been working together and I really, really hope that we can get something awesome out ASAP.
One thing I´ve learned though is that everything, really everything, is based on relationships. If I am faithful in seeing him as a person, in appreciating him as God´s child, in loving him as a follower of Christ-it automatically builds a very strong relationship simply because, in human terms, I am a very good friend. However, if I cultivate a relationship with the aim of using him as a tool and a means to an end, my deception will be shown for what it is, and I will completely alienate him.
Come to think of it, relationships are what have caused some of the heartwrenching moments on this trip. First, I praise God for the beauty and strength of Christian fellowship while here in Perú. From the very beginning, God encouraged me by having a first contact with John Marshall, who was my original roommate and a strong follower of Christ (it made us both happy when we were friends on Facebook to see ¨God¨ as the foremost of our interests). Then, I met Trey and Tram, two really awesome guys (incidentally also from Georgia) who were in the clinical internships and loved listening to sermons. Which we then did together with John at their house on Sunday evening. THEN, I meet Reiner, my Spanish tutor, who happens to have an amazing testimony about how Christ saved him from alcoholism and despair at the age of eighteen, and who is passionate about serving Him here in Perú. The blessings of God are even greater than I could ever have expected-I met Sarah, a married ex-teacher who has an amazing dream of opening import stores tied to refugee camps, where they could be taught to make crafts that could be sold to provide them the necessities and income that they desperately need who, incidentally, loves Jesus Christ and house churches. Kenneth and Karen, two Singaporeans government-bonded studying at Princeton, who love God as well and were invaluable supports to me (almost like my brother and sister here in Perú). I was able to go on wonderful excursions with Karen, Kenneth, and Sarah to Quillabamba-Santa Teresa-Aguas Termales and Machu Picchu-Aguas Calientes-Putu Cusi (latter minus Sarah). When Trey and Tram first left, that was the first jolt that made me realize-this sense of normalcy is quickly ending. When Kenneth and Karen left, THAT made me reflect the rest of the day on how much I had grown to care for them and draw support from their friendships. Now, as I look forward to the one and a half weeks left, I find myself withdrawing from Matt, my host brother, because I fear the imminent separation and do not want a more painful severance. It sounds cheesy, but I know that for me there is no greater hurt than parting from people that you´ve grown to love. Yet, at the same time, I am continually convicted of my need to love God first before loving people. Matthew 21:37-40
Jesus replied, ¨Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, ´Love your neighbor as yourself.´All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.
I have committed the grievous error of loving people, my neighbors, more than the Lord my God-that´s the root of my destructive reaction of drawing away from people. If I loved God, then I would be satisfied and always have love to spare for others. However, my love for others and the consequences of focusing on that love amplifies the hurt of separation so much that I go the opposite direction: instead of cherishing the relationships I have now, I reject contact and distance myself. Sometimes, I become a syncophant, an echo of compliments and empty words; other times, I am proud, aloof, waiting for others to come to me. In any case, I am an empty shell, devoid of meaning and love because I lack a passion and love for God.

First post from Perú

Since I´m at an internet café and have to pay by the hour, and will be going to fellowship with some Christian friends in a few minutes, it´ll be a very brief update. I´ll wax poetic some other time.
The weather here is crazy. Hot, blazing sun during the day and bone-crackling cold during the night. They weren´t kidding about the layers, and neither were they about the need for long underwear in addition to the five layers of blankets.
This first week has been completely mindblowing. I have been adopted into a family, with a dad who´s a chef and restauranteur, a mother who´s incredibly humorous and caring, and a sister who likes to go to bars and discotecas. I have a brother who´s from Princeton, a rising junior studying economics and finance doing an amazing internship with microfinance institutions in rural Perú. I have learned so much about Peruvian cuisine, and can now claim to make a simply delicious Pisco sour.
Proworld has a very good support system, with several on-site staff members and a very good partnership with many locals in the area. I have met students from New Jersey to Georgia, and have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them. I started clinic last Friday, and Peruvian doctors are simply amazing. They diagnose and prescribe in a matter of minutes, and have no qualms about asking anything and everything to give a diagnosis. Mixing humor with piercing questions, they are definitely future colleagues whose perception is to be respected.
So on to activities. I´ve played tourist around Cusco, which is a rather charming city that was the center of the Incan empire. Although many of the temples and holy places have been razed or replaced by Catholic churches, it still retains its shape as the head of a cougar, which represents the present world for Incans (condor represents the realm of the gods, and snake the life after death). The alleys are quite narrow, and at night the city is really beautiful. The hillsides are like a spray of twinkling stars, and there´s a white statue of Jesus Christ at the top of a mountain that at night looks like a floating cross. The square is beautiful, as the lesser light of the lamps magnify the architecture and grandeur of the cathedral and Jesuit church, and there are people everywhere on the streets. One thing that I´ve noticed about Cusco is that there are quite a few young lovers who are a) furtively meeting in corners in residential areas, b) quite public with their affection, or c) at different points of downtown seemingly attached to one another (amantes pegados). This experience of urban life has really given me a feel of humanity, all the vices, emotions, and realities that humans have. I have been to my first bar, my first discoteca, and learned salsa dancing. I promised my parents that my first drink will be with them on the 25th of July, my 21st birthday, so I have not touched alcohol in large quantities. The only tastes I have had is my dad´s pisco sour (he urged me to try a little so that I know what a correct one tastes like) and a tiny sip of cuscena beer (which was bitter and blegh). I´m actually quite glad I made this promise, because drinks are pretty pricey, and not worth it when you can have freshly squeezed juice for a fraction of the cost and you thoroughly enjoy everything without having to be drunk.
I´ve also toured the Incan ruin of Saqsayhuayman, the fortress of the Incans that forms the head of the cougar. It was where the Incans fled after the Spanish laid waste to Cusco, and there are enormous stones that archaeologists are still trying to understand how Incans managed to haul up the mountain. One thing that especially struck me was the massive size of the cornerstones, and gave me a new appreciation for the importance of the cornerstone for any structure!
I´ve been shopping with my dad, and have gotten some pretty good deals on really authentic stuff. I´m really glad to have a host family, which has given me a security that allows me to not be so afraid of the city and this new environment.
One final Peruvian phrase: lo bailado y lo comido nadie le va a quitar
what´s danced and eaten nobody will be able to take away.

home

Home.
Refuge for my weary soul. Or is it a trap?
I spent today milling about, waking up at ~11 AM to my cellphone going off. Then, devotions (yay!) brunch (scrambled omelette w/o cheese + freshly brewed soymilk)...and then the one thing that I swore I would not do: TV. From there, it was a slippery slope to obsessively reading manga online...and then basically staying in the house, wasting several hours of my young adult life.
It wasn't until after dinner that I got to doing one of my goals for the summer: serious reading for 1 hour+ to edify my mind and soul.
And then, I realized-
A day had passed.
I could count the number of things I did on ONE hand.
I had minimal human contact.
Worse yet, I had minimal God contact.
This reality shocked me out of the summer reverie, the brief honeymoon of going back to my home church and seeing all the parents (not children, mind you) with smiles and updates on what God has been doing in my life-along with advice on colleges.
These next few months will be a test, and perhaps the most grueling one of all: how to maintain spiritual growth and intimacy when I am wrenched away from my beloved fellowship in Houston.
Although I always considered DCFC my church home, it's often been a spiritual wasteland in terms of fellowship for young adults. HCC was not necessarily where I felt most comfortable, but the intimate and life-giving fellowship at Rice has provided me a testament to God's provision in my life. Now that I'm back for four months, it's time to see where God wants me in His kingdom here. I no longer have the excuses to hide from fellowship (aka MCAT), and neither do I have a mandate to start another fellowship here in Dallas (I'll be gone for 6 weeks in the middle). I just know that God wants me here for a reason. He wants me to plug into DCFC and use His blessings for everlasting glory. But how?!
God is faithful, but I am not always so. Yet even when I am faithless, God will continue to be faithful, for He cannot disown Himself. (2 Timothy 2:13)
Today God revealed to me the importance of clinging to Him...and revitalized the desire for me to test my intellectual boundaries in this faith! While reading a chapter from Beyond Opinion, a collection of essays compiled by Ravi Zacharias, I read this sentence that struck me in the stomach: "My prayer for weekly youth group gatherings is that they will go from being an entertainment show full of feel-good games to an intense forum that invites tough questions and provides satisfying answers." Wow. How is it that I have (personally) started to deviate from the mind and into emotion alone? How is it that relationships are taking undue precedence over the testing of our faith?
I know I'm in dangerous territory, because a corollary to the "intense forum" is that we must LIVE out these "intense" truths WITH LOVE so that God is glorified, not ourselves.
But I still ask of myself: do I go to the opposite extreme? Have I preached love to the extent that I have deviated into the realm of pleasing people and have not engaged in the hard-hitting evangelism that demands asking and answering these tough questions?
I think so.
Then God reminded me of what I had read in His word during the morning: 2 Peter 1:16-21
16We did not follow cleverly invented stories when we told you about the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. 17For he received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." 18We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the sacred mountain.

19And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. 21For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

Peter fights against the perception of "cleverly invented stories" by saying that he was an EYEWITNESS to the majesty of God! Furthermore, it is on the WORD of the prophets (aka Scripture) that provides the ultimate basis for Jesus Christ.
This sharp, pointed argument for the legitimacy of the Bible was what Peter and the first-century Christians had to engage in to both deflect criticism and engage the lost in dialogue about the one true Christ! What good are we if we affirm the love of Christ among ourselves, yet fall flat at any challenge and fidget uncomfortably when hard questions are asked?
Rather, let me strive (however hard it is) to test my mind on these questions with a heart that prays for guidance and a spirit obedient to God Almighty.

James 1:6 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

I've just been thinking. And trying to understand what's going on inside this soul of mine.
First...I felt this unease. This sense of what-is-going-on-here after we finished that rather bloated cell group meeting on Friday. Why do I have this melancholy feeling, this slightly nostalgic-but-not-really sense that creeps up on my heart? I know. It's the after-effects of meiosis. I found myself saying "splitting," and then Jon told me-that sounds rather painful, like a divide rather than a joyous "multiplication." In a sense, that's really how I feel. I have poured my life into these wonderful, amazing people who have in turn shown me what happiness, struggle, and growth are in Christ Jesus. Truly, by seeing these freshmen and sophomores grow I have been tremendously blessed, because as Paul boasted about the love of Christ in the churches, I boast about the love of Christ in our cell group. Yes, OUR cell group. And now, it's going to change. All of the ones who have endeared themselves to my heart are going off into another direction, ready to conquer Rice for Christ. They are smaller, but nonetheless passionate and loving and, best and most important of all, following Christ! When Dillon and I sat down late Friday night, my heart actually trembled a bit before opening up the nicely stacked and folded sheets. Instead of opening them all myself, I had to give half to Dillon for him to open because I could not bear the burden of seeing all the choices first. Yet, before we even started-our prayers to God were that His direction and will would be done, and not ours. This has truly been an agonizing process for me before last Friday, because-truthfully-I didn't want to divide. In my heart of hearts, I saw us as one big, boisterous family who loved one another and truly cared for each other. I envisioned my own extended family all gathered in a room every week, sharing encouragements and just hanging out, with the underlying feeling that we are all connected, all related by the same blood. Our cell group was something akin to that-we all love Christ, and from that love we are so comfortable loving on one another.
God answered our prayers. With each opened ballot, I could see God automatically placing people where He wants them. He is so awesome-as the groups took form, I could see how God was using different people to strengthen and support one another in each group. I cannot express how much I was relieved that night...but then, I can now say that I will miss that big-family feel.
I am grateful to everyone in this group, people who have touched my life so profoundly and have challenged me to stand and be an example of Christ in their lives. All because I was a shepherd did not mean that I was immune to temptation and sin. However, through God's grace and the knowledge that I must be solid in my walk with Christ to be a leader, I depended all the more on my heavenly Father to give me wisdom and strength, to be my guide and King. I love these people more than anyone else...and while we look forward confidently to what God is bringing, I also will cherish these memories and relationships that God has so lavished upon me.